Just a thought

As the year comes to a close, I must say that this is one hell of a fast-moving year! I did not even have time to run through my list of things that I needed to do. I'd like to say, that I would very much prefer to chalk it up to so much to do in such little amount of time. But, no! I shall not engage in that. This blog has been part of my expression for quite sometime and I revisited and wrote and just blabbered on just for the kick of it.

Last night, I thought about just shutting this thingie down, and move on to my next interest, but it seems such a tormenting thing to do. Oh, hell. Just shut it down, I am not writing on it anyway. The death knoll of blogging has rung its droning bells, and I am keen on letting this one go to the gray world of the archives.

If you are still reading, give me a reason to continue. I have been so preoccupied with tasks that my soul aches for a break. I have taken up my being with doing that I am starting to feel that I have been neglecting the task of living. It is a sad place to be, but nonetheless, worth experiencing.

Maybe it's just the cold weather that brings about a sour and bitter feeling. I am not alone. I am surrounded by wonderful people who truly care. However, I mourn my sadness in silence. It is not an explicit kind of sadness that's easily understandable, but a sadness that creeps in so discreetly that no one even recognizes. This is compounded by the fact that I have been spending countless time and vast sums to be a better helper. There is no sadder place than to be where I am.

I do know that this may be fleeting and life goes on. I wake up and it is all over, and I am ready for a new day, a new beginning, if I continue to believe in the idea of an ever-unfolding renewal. I am hurting and I need to engage pain. It is indeed sad that amidst all the love and caring, I have to ask if I were indeed with others in life or I was just along for the ride. Life fascinates me and I continue to engage my curiosity, but as I turn another year, I find it just and fair to say what needed to be expressed: I have started to ask the lonely questions of existence. These are questions beyond the security of belonging. I know and feel that I belong. That I am loved and cherished.

So sad, really sad, these passing feelings. I need to stay with it, and then maybe, learn some more.

Sauteed Crab Roe Paste (Ginisang Taba ng Talangka)

I have been craving Philippine crab roe paste for quite some time now and my stash from previous trips have been depleted. When I ran out of the stuff, I tried canned crab roe from Thailand and Vietnam, but they did not have the same texture and taste as the one I got from the Philippines. Homemade crab roe paste from the Philippines is out of this world!! Maybe the crabs are happier, and they have a lot of play space before they ended up on a steam pot? whatever it is, I could tell the difference. The curdly texture erupts with flavors on the palate and then melts like butter. It is a heart-stopping experience not just for the flavor but for its high fat content. I preferred the homemade crab roe paste made by friends from Pampanga (a province located north of Manila, and known for its regional culinary traditions), prepared without additives or preservatives. Just divine crab roe goodness!

A friend who just returned from a quick trip to the Philippines left me a goody box with not one, but 8 cans of homemade crab roe paste (6 homemade, and 2 of the famous commercial Navarro brand), dried mangoes, dried dark cuttlefish, and some other sweets that I did not even notice, as I lustily eyed the cans. Wait!! Whatever happened to the bottled stuff I used to get from her? A quick call and my friend told me that her sister insisted on canning her goodies instead of bottling them, fearing they would leak or be held up at Customs (or visions of: Customs agent to my friend: Ma'am, please step away from your crab paste, now!!!!).

As soon as I got home from dinner tonight. I chopped 6-8 cloves of garlic, 1 medium shallot, 3 pieces of jalapeno peppers, then sauteed them in a tablespoon of vegetable oil, added one 8 ounce - can of crab roe paste, tossed in a pinch of cracked pepper and another pinch of Spanish smoked paprika, some Moroccan harissa and cooked the gooey goodness for about five minutes, until slightly reduced, over low medium heat. I made sure the garlic were properly browned but not burnt, because burnt garlic is the nastiest thing ever on the palate. I set the sauteed paste aside and when cool,I divided the stuff into single serve portions, which yielded about 4-6 portions.

I do not plan to eat one portion over rice and would attempt to hold back and just add a saucy bit over rice, enough to satisfy my craving. I have to watch what I eat right now. My GP and my trainer (whom I have been running away from lately, hello, JG!) are virtually looking over my plate like hawks, but I have been behaving. So here it is, my version of the sauteed crab roe paste in garlic shallots and jalapeno peppers. I also plan to stretch it and toss the sauteed crab roe paste over pasta for a quick fix, or over steamed / blanched asparagus, snap peas or broccoli rabe or sturdy greens, for a few quick after-school, late night ideas. My apologies to the Filipino culinary purists for tweaking the holy recipe and omitting the lime or lemon juice during the process, and adding cracked pepper, Spanish paprika and Moroccan harissa to the mix. I know I bastardized it, but really guys, I am not good at following manuals.

So glad to be back posting on this blog, whom friends thought was forever gone into the Web's limbo. I just did not realize that crab roe paste would get me blogging again.